Complete surrender. Surrender of my beliefs, who I thought I was, my attachments, and, yes, even my own free will. If you are wondering, “What is ayahuasca like.” Nothing really can prepare you for it except for complete surrender. Yes, the ayahuasca ceremony is not a thing to be taken lightly. Not unless you are willing to give up everything you have ever known, and not unless you are willing to go on a journey that will last not four hours, but for the rest of your life.
I did my first (and second!) ayahuasca ceremony with a guide here in Mexico. I chose to work with her because one of the first things she told me about herself was that she didn’t know shit! She didn’t pretend to be some enlightened being who had all the answers to life. (She was, however, very knowledgeable about Paloma Blanca, and I did feel like I would be very safe in her hands. Which I was!) Her humble attitude and authentic expression of herself made me feel comfortable with her, and I knew that she was the one that I wanted to begin this journey with.
Also, there are different types of ayahuasca. The type that she works with is called Paloma Blanca. The purpose of Paloma Blanca is to open your heart. Since, I knew I had “heart work” to do, I knew that this plant medicine had found me, and I was ready to let it do its work.
You make an intention before you begin the ayahuasca ceremony, and my intention to this sacred plant was, “Show me what I need to know.” Because I knew that I didn’t know shit, either. I knew there were things holding me back from becoming the person I could be. However, I didn’t know what exactly what it was. So, I asked to be shown.
The Ayahuasca Ceremony Begins
When the ayahuasca first started affecting me, I felt such complete bliss that I couldn’t help but laugh. I just laughed and laughed. I then saw many other souls around me. I heard a voice say, “You are not alone.” I realized that I had somehow always feared being alone in this world. Of course, I really wasn’t. And, then another voice came through that said, “You are all of this. And, so you are alone.”
The entire journey was like this. My mind learned to see both sides of everything. I realized how limited my thinking was, and how everything was true and yet not true at the same time. I watched as light and love swirled through my mind and almost seemed to change how I thought my thoughts, how my mind seemed to work. It seemed to be cleaning out many of the fears that I had lived with all of my life. I came to see that the only thing that really mattered was love. However, I had never really known what real love was.
I saw a vision of myself. I was a toddler running through a nursery. I was grabbing all the toys and breaking them because I was holding them so tightly. I saw that this was how I had loved. I was shown nothing but kindness and complete acceptance, though. There was no judgement for how the old me had navigated through life. I was told, this was how I loved because this was how I had been taught to love. It wasn’t my fault, but things could change.
I had been living a life with closed fists instead of an open hands and heart. I had been trying to control everything when there really was nothing I could control. I saw the Divine Mother connect me to her own love. This love looked like rainbow love in my heart and felt like the most blissful thing I had ever known. For the first time in my life I felt truly loved, and I realized this love was coming from me!!
I began to see the grand plan for everything, and I just loved it all. I no longer needed to try and get love from anyone else because I finally had the ability to love myself. I felt free. Freer than I had ever felt. And, there was a cost. I had to let go of all the fear I had been holding inside. All of the doubts. I had to give up my version of what I thought love to be. And, the biggest thing? I had to give up judgement. I saw that love and judgement cannot occupy the same space. I had to give up the resentment for when others had hurt me. I had to let it all go. And that was what allowed this space in my heart for unlimited love.
I saw that I had felt rejected by my mother and had caused scenarios in my life to mirror my belief that I deserved to be rejected by women. I saw that my mother (or anyone else) would never love me exactly the way I wanted them to. I had to give myself that love. And, I set her free. I set everyone free. No one needed to love me a certain way. But, as long as I felt that, I would continue to attract situations into my life to mirror the belief that I wasn’t worthy.
During the ayahuasca ceremony, I heard the Divine Mother tell me that I needed to keep my heart open to absolutely everyone. This didn’t make sense to my rational mind. I asked, “What about the ones I need to protect myself from?” The mother replied with a laugh, “Don’t you see? It’s all me. There is nothing you need to protect yourself from. If someone hurts you, it just shows an area inside yourself that needs healing.”
It seemed to go against everything in my rational mind. I then saw generations of women in my lineage. These were angry, bitter women. They were full of doubt, and kept saying, “Protect yourself.” Their hearts were closed. And, this is how it happened. I then began to purge. I saw the molecular cells that caused this doubt and fear and I knew I was the one changing it. Not just for myself, but for generations to come. I knew the feeling of this openness, this love was really what life was about. I knew that light is always brighter than the darkness it illuminates and that any true darkness that encountered me would be transformed by the light of love in me, or wouldn’t choose to stay around me long.
The true miracle (and the hard work) began, though, after the ayahuasca ceremony. I called my mom, to say nothing more than I loved her. We had a heartfelt conversation with each other that healed our relationship, and I feel closer to her than I ever have. Other relationships have been healed as I realized that those who hurt me were only mirroring my beliefs about myself. Some people I rejected in my life who had shown me complete love, and I had rejected because they didn’t mirror my belief that I didn’t deserve love. I am watching my relationships change, as I go about them with more awareness and love.
On my second ayahuasca ceremony, I was shown the wounds I had with my father, and I have since mended my relationship with him. I saw how attached I had been to my story. My story of being a victim of pain. You wouldn’t think it would be hard to let it go. I realized how I had created an identity by using this story. An identity that wasn’t real, that I was using to hide behind. This identity I had constructed, and fear had used it to keep me away from real love and the many gifts it could bring to my life.
There are many more things that I have learned from these journeys, and I am continuing to learn even after these journeys are over. Mainly, I know that I still don’t know shit. Because, you know. It’s not in the knowing. It’s in the loving. And, that’s what it’s all about.
Are you interested in doing an ayahuasca ceremony? I am now offering ongoing ayahuasca retreats in San Miguel de Allende if you wish to visit us in Mexico!