“I’ve always been just me, but I was the last to know that it was all right.”
― Byron Katie
I’ve read just about all of the best relationship advice books, but none of them really helped to permanently change the struggles I’ve had in relationships. Until now. I discovered the Byron Katie book,
The Best Relationship Advice From Byron Katie
Most books only focus on how you get love and approval. We are taught to ignore the core of who we are to attract another, and then often wind up not feeling love because we haven’t been our true selves all along. The difference with the Byron Katie book is she teaches you how to accept yourself for who you are, and, in turn, to accept others for who they are. She teaches you how to change your thoughts about love and relationships which are often the root of the problem.
We often think that people should act a certain way. But, when we impose “shoulds” on them, we are arguing with reality. When we argue with reality, we will lose 100% of the time. Byron Katie teaches you how to accept what is. She also teaches you to look at your thoughts about what “should” be from different angles. She teaches you how to ask if the thoughts you think are really true.
For instance, you may think that someone’s behavior towards you is uncaring. Your thought process says, “They don’t care about me.” But, is this really true? Byron Katie teaches you to look at the thought from different angles. For instance, you can look at it from the perspective of, “I don’t care about them.” After all, if you are only concerned about having things your way, and you aren’t looking at the other person’s perspective, you aren’t caring very much about the other person. You can also look at the thought, “I don’t care about me”, and look at the ways you aren’t caring for yourself that are making you feel like you must get care from someone else. You also aren’t caring for yourself when you take what could have been an innocent action from someone else, and are turning it into an insult. What you perceive as an action that doesn’t show care about you may have nothing to do with you at all. Lastly, look at it from a viewpoint of the fact that they do care about you. Sometimes the most caring thing someone can do for you is actually the action that is most caring for themselves.
Our mind likes to defend our position, and this is what causes us to become stuck. It is only when we see that there can be a different way to look at things that we can feel peace again.
This Byron Katie book also teaches you how to have authentic relationships by living your truth. So many times, we are trying to make an impression on someone that we don’t act authentically with them. We then don’t feel like we are really being known by others. But, how can someone know us if we aren’t being authentic?
“We use our beauty, our cleverness, our charm to capture someone for a partnership, as if he were an animal. And then when he wants to get out of the cage, we’re furious. That doesn’t sound very caring to me. It’s not self-love. I want my husband to want what he wants. And I also notice that I don’t have a choice. That’s self-love. He does what he does, and I love that. That’s what I want, because when I’m at war with reality, it hurts.”-Byron Katie
The book takes many of our beliefs about what relationships should be about and challenges them one by one. For instance, “If you love me, you’ll do what I want.” It shows that from childhood we are taught that obedience is love. So, we wind up tiptoeing around each other because we are doing things we don’t want to do for the other person, and it’s no wonder the love disappears.
Byron Katie’s book challenged so many false beliefs I realized I was carrying about love and relationships, and it showed me how to show up from a more authentic place in all of my relationships. It teaches you how to have honest communication with someone else and how not to lose yourself in relationship.
It’s not your job to understand me-it’s mine.-Byron Katie