I recently had a huge awakening about giving and receiving. I thought my heart was open. After all, I had been working on showing unconditional love to others and to myself. However, when it came to receiving, I realized my heart was completely shut. I didn’t know how to receive.
Giving And Receiving
I saw that while I had hoped to make everyone in my life feel loved, that what people want most of all is for their love to be received. Think about it. Think about the last time your love wasn’t received by someone. What did that feel like? I think that giving and receiving are equally important. After all, we want someone to receive our words in conversation. When we don’t receive other’s words and are stuck in our own thoughts, we miss the opportunity to really know the person in front of us. When we don’t receive the gifts they are offering us, the relationship becomes unbalanced.
I had attracted a lot of “takers” in my life. I realized these takers were nothing but a mirror. I didn’t know how to receive, so, of course, I was attracting “takers”. They felt my energy and were like, “Yay. Here is someone who is giving, and who doesn’t want anything in return. I am going to feed off that.” And, my need of not having to receive was getting filled.
I realized that I knew in my head how much my friends and the people in my life loved me. But, I had never allowed myself to actually feel this in my heart. As this shift occurred, I allowed my heart to feel all the love that people had for me, and I cried. I cried as my heart expanded to let all the love in. I realized there was nothing I had to do to earn people’s love. I was worthy, just as I was.
I then let my heart expand, and I felt the love that the entire world had for me just feel me up. I saw how everything needed to be an equal balance of giving and receiving. I saw how I watered the plants, and they, in turn, gave me food and beauty. I saw how the sunlight touched my skin every day, and I let myself really receive that light. I felt this in a way I had never felt it before. I just let everything in my world touch me to the core.
I let myself be completely vulnerable. I felt my heart touched in a way it had never been touched before, and realized that I had let a barrier form over my heart because I was afraid of that vulnerability. When I was receiving, I had to let down my guard, put down my defenses, and let whoever was giving inside. That means they were going to see everything. My weaknesses, what I considered the dark parts, everything. I had to let go of my thoughts of owing someone for the gifts they chose to give me.
I think the most vulnerable thing was admitting that I, too, longed to be nurtured. I needed to let other people’s care in, and not always be the one who nurtured and gave to others. I was once told that I was a strong horse who tended to carry others. The thing is you never see a horse carrying another horse. I needed to sometimes let myself be the rider and allow others to carry me.
I also realized that the act of receiving is a more feminine attribute, and how, in our society, anything feminine is portrayed as somehow “less than.” So, no wonder our entire society tends to downplay the act of receiving. So, I actually increase my feminine energy, when I allow myself to receive. It’s so easy to get caught up in doing, that we forget we can just be, and allow ourselves to receive the moment exactly as it is. I then get to experience gratitude, which I believe completes the cycle of giving and receiving. And, I am grateful for all that I am learning every day.
How did I have the breakthrough that showed me where my heart was blocked? I had this breakthrough during a Paloma Blanca Ayahuasca ceremony. Paloma Blanca is a type of ayahuasca that works on opening the heart. It shows us things about ourselves that, yes, we may not have received yet. When I came out of this ceremony, and told my friend that I realized I didn’t know how to receive, her response was, “Ha, I could have told you that. But you wouldn’t have listened.” It’s true, and I am grateful for this medicine which has transformed my life. If you are interested in doing an ayahuasca retreat, click here for more information.